Rules of the Association
09/07/02 Re: Welcome Mrs. and Mrs. Herbert Previdi
On behalf of the Paradise View Condominium Association we wish to extend you a warm welcome, and to assure you that we will do everything possible to make your stay here a pleasant one.
Please take a moment to familiarize yourselves with the Association’s rules, and with the “Frequently Asked Questions” sheet attached.
Again, a warm welcome from all of us here in “Paradise.”
Sincerely,
Frank Hallinan, Association Property Manager
07/03/03 Re: Front Door Color
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Previdi,
It has been brought to our attention that you have re-painted your front door bright red (in fact—and as I have argued—the color is closer in spirit to vermilion). As the rules clearly state, painting of unit trim and siding is the responsibility of the Association and done on a regular schedule using colors selected by the Board to insure visual harmony among all units. Please know that your front door’s original color, “Dusty Aubergine,” was chosen by the Association with great care.
A maintenance crew will arrive this weekend to repaint it.
Cordially,
Frank Hallinan, Association Property Manager
12/29/04 Re: Condolences
Dear Mr. Previdi,
On behalf of the Paradise View Condominium Association we wish to express our sincerest condolences regarding your wife’s recent passing. Through her brief participation in the Red Hatted Ladies Society, Helen made a deep impression on all those who knew her.
An assortment of spring bulbs and seeds will be left at your front door along with planting instructions. Please accept them as our gift in her memory.
Sincerely,
Frank Hallinan, Association Property Manager
02/17/05 Re: Christmas Decoration Removal
Dear Mr. Previdi,
During a recent inspection of the grounds this week, we noticed that your front door Christmas decorations are still on display. Although recent unseasonably cool temperatures have not exactly been harbingers of spring, still, March is just around the corner, and we believe the community would present itself better with more seasonally appropriate decorations. Your attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Frank Hallinan, Association Property Manager
03/06/05 Re: Unleashed Dog
Dear Mr. Previdi,
It has been brought to our attention that you have been walking your dog unleashed on the grounds. We wish to remind you that the Association’s rules strictly forbid the walking of unleashed animals. Nor should pets be tethered to any common areas, decks, or patios without owners in immediate proximity. Your attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.
Yours,
Frank Hallinan, Association Property Manager
04/25/05 Re: Flowerbeds
Dear Mr. Previdi,
Our groundskeepers report that the flowerbeds both in front of and behind your unit are filled with weeds, this in spite of the fact that an assortment of seeds and bulbs were generously provided to you by this office during the winter planting season. Though the Association’s rules do not strictly require members to plant flowers, a survey of your neighbors’ yards should indicate to you that nearly everyone else (except for poor Mrs. Finkelstein, who just had her second kidney removed) has done so. The result: a proliferation of daffodils, tulips, primroses, crocuses, and other perennials, which, in our opinion, add not only a dash of color to the grounds, but a resounding note of joy and resilience.
There is still time to plant late-blooming perennials. The landscaping committee suggests delphinium, dianthus, linaria, lobelia, lupins, or pansies, or a combination thereof.
Sincerely,
Frank Hallinan, Association Property Manager
06/02/05 Re: Opened Garage Door
Dear Mr. Previdi,
A neighbor reports that you have been leaving your garage door opened for long intervals. Except when entering and exiting with vehicles, garage doors are to be kept closed at all times. Your having no car does not exempt you from this rule, Mr. Previdi, which was designed to benefit all who find the insides of all garages unprepossessing, and do not wish to be confronted with broken Hibachis, dented gasoline cans, sodden charcoal bags, tangled and kinked garden hoses, mangled snow shovels, rusty rakes, spare tires housing spider webs, and concrete floors stained with gloomy islands of leaked motor oil. Nor is the sight of you sitting in said garage doorway in a folding aluminum lawn chair in your brightly striped pajamas drinking your morning coffee and reading the newspaper mouth-watering in the least. Why, it must be asked, can’t you sit on your deck like everyone else? And, for that matter, get dressed?
We thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.
Yours,
Frank Hallinan, Association Property Manager
08/03/05 Re: Pet Waste Clean-up
Dear Mr. Previdi,
Several of your neighbors have recently lodged complaints with the Association regarding your failure to clean-up after your dog. They inform us that lately your dogs’ feces have become a regular feature on the sidewalks in your precinct, and that repeated requests to you have not only not been honored, but on one most recent occasion, as reported by a tenant who shall remain anonymous, to one such request you responded with a rude gesture accompanied by an equally rude expletive.
We further understand that, as dogs will, your dog is getting old and has not been feeling well, and that (as you apparently explained to one neighbor who complained to you) owing to the extremely loose nature of your dog’s bowel movements you cannot be expected to “pick” them up.
Be that as it may, I’m sure you can sympathize with your neighbors, who would just as soon not live in a neighborhood splattered with your dog’s excrement.
The Association recommends that you henceforth either keep the dog away from other people’s property or at home. Should the dog’s condition deteriorate further, as hard as it may be for you, it may also behoove you to consider the creature’s suffering and, however difficult for you personally, take such measures as may be necessary to alleviate it.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Yours,
Frank Hallinan, Association Property Manager
09/05/05 Re: Suspected Burial of Pet
Dear Mr. Previdi,
It has come to our attention that you were seen digging a large hole in your back yard this past Sunday afternoon. It has concurrently been suggested that your cocker spaniel, Kiki, may have passed away recently, in which case, please accept my condolences. At any rate, there have been no recent sightings of either your dog or her formerly ubiquitous and prodigious liquid feces. As you can well imagine, this has occasioned speculation and consternation among your neighbors.
According to Rule 40-13-5-.04 of the State Department of Agriculture, “Methods which may be used for the disposal of dead animals are burning to ash, incineration, burial, rendering, or any method using appropriate disposal technology which has been approved by the Commissioner, provided disposal of dead animals is carried out within 24 hours after death or discovery of the dead animal.” Notwithstanding which, since your home is part of a condominium association, though not expressly stated in the Rules, for reasons that should be obvious enough, the burial of a pet of any size in your yard is strictly forbidden.
If you have, indeed, buried your dog as is widely suspected, we insist that you exhume it promptly (and discreetly so as not to cause further alarm) and that you, as it were, dispose of the matter properly at the town dump.
Yours,
Frank Hallinan, Associate Property Manager
10/26/06 Re: Facial Hair
Dear Mr. Previdi,
It has been brought to my attention that recently you have stopped shaving. Perhaps you are trying to grow a beard. Beards can look quite elegant on elderly gentlemen. Indeed, a well-groomed beard can make for a distinct and even venerable appearance. On the other hand, between growing a beard and neglecting to shave there is a world of difference.
In any event, the resulting facial stubble presents an eyesore, and—though not strictly forbidden by the Rules of the Association—in the name of courtesy, propriety, and aesthetic decency, we request that you resume shaving as quickly as possible.
While on the subject, as a personal observation, might I also point out that, however superficial it may seem, a correlation exists between one’s personal grooming and emotional disposition and stability, and that in tending to the former one may improve upon the latter, or at least delay its decline? That has been my experience.
Also (if I may further inject my own experience), if you aren’t presently in the habit of doing so, may I urge you to floss and use mouthwash daily? Not only will doing so prevent halitosis, it will sustain the health of your gums, and healthy gums are harbingers of overall health. Having tended to my own gums thus daily since my younger days, I can warrant—as will my dental hygienist—that the benefits are quite real.
Yours,
Frank Hallinan, Associate Property Manager
p.s.: If like me and many of our advanced ages you suffer the effects of an enlarged prostate as a result of which you are forced to make frequent post-midnight trips to the john, consider making one such trip per night an occasion for swishing some mouthwash. Since it takes plaque twelve hours to harden on the teeth, doing so will prevent any accumulation. To this habit I owe the pristine state of my own seventy-two-year-old gums.
11/2/06 Re: Your Disposition
Dear Mr. Previdi,
Lately members of the Association have become aware of certain alterations in your disposition that have given cause for concern: specifically, you seem to have entered a period of gloomy introspection, resulting in your moping around the grounds with what one fellow association member characterized as a “hangdog” expression, your hands thrust deep into the pockets of a worn and, if I may say so, unprepossessing bathrobe of dishwater-gray terrycloth. It is further reported that, when walking, you scuff the bottoms of your shoes (slippers?) wearily along the pavement, creating a monotonous, intermittent scratching noise that, while merely off-putting and annoying to your adult neighbors, has become a source of terror and even of nightmares in their children.
In brief, Mr. Previdi, you are starting to give people around here the creeps.
Yours,
Frank Hallinan, Associate Property Manager
p.s.: You still haven’t shaved.
12/19/06 Re: Suicide
Dear Mr. Previdi,
Recent patterns in your behavior have convinced certain members of the Association’s Board of Directors and management, myself among them, that you may have contemplated or be contemplating suicide. Though needless to say such thoughts fall beyond the jurisdictions of this or any other governing body, still, I am compelled to point several things out to you.
First, that though ours is not one of the two remaining states in which suicide is still considered a felony, and while in any case a person having committed said felony is beyond the reach of the laws of this or any state, still, and as stated in Blackstone’s Commentaries, suicide remains an unwritten common law crime.
In few words, Mr. Previdi, should you decide to “do yourself in,” you would still be breaking the law. Also, depending on the means employed—I refer in particular to firearms—you might damage communal property, while endangering the lives of your neighbors.
This is not to speak of the very real risk of emotional damage that such an action taken by you would likely inflict upon your relatives and others who love you (surely there must be someone), let alone the unfortunate person or persons who happen upon your corpse.
To these unpleasant consequences add the loss of property value not only of your own unit, but to adjacent units and to the Association as a whole once your crime becomes common knowledge, as it doubtlessly will, let alone once it has entered the realm of legend and myth.
On a personal note, may I inject two words that I hope will be taken as offered, in the spirit of kindness?
“Buck up!”
Yours,
Frank Hallinan, Associate Property Manager
02/15/06 Re: Accumulations on Stoop
Dear Mr. Previdi,
It has been noted that in the past few weeks and months a series of packages left by various carriers has accumulated on your front stoop, along with telephone directories, assorted flyers from cable and internet providers, insurers, funeral parlors, and cemeteries, what appeared to be a casserole of some sort, and other items deposited at your door. Recent rainstorms soaked most of these items, such that in all likelihood whatever valuables those packages and parcels held have been damaged beyond repair. It has been noted as well that your mailbox is more than full.
Needless to say, this has resulted in more than a little discomposure among your fellow Associates. It’s been speculated that perhaps you have gone on a vacation and you simply neglected to assign anyone the task of retrieving these items. I hope this turns out to be the case and that no other explanation is warranted. I for one would much rather imagine you sunning yourself on a Floridian, Mexican, or Caribbean beach than …
Well, let’s just say that I hope that everything is all right.
It occurs to me that, since you’ve not been collecting your mail, odds of your reading this notice are slim to non-existent. In the event that you should read it, do please inform this office as soon as possible of your whereabouts and situation.
Believe it or not, Mr. Previdi, there are people here who sincerely care for and worry about you, myself among them. In my case, I’d go as far as to say that I care very much.
And while it’s true that we’ve never met in person, that we’ve only known each other from afar, as it were, still, for reasons I won’t take up your time with here, I find myself very much in empathy with you.
Yours,
Frank Hallinan, Associate Property Manager
03/26/06 Re: Empathy
Dear Mr. Previdi—or, if I may—Herb,
In my last correspondence I alluded to harboring certain feelings of empathy toward you with respect to recent events you’ve suffered. If you’ll permit me, I’d like to explain. You see, not so long ago I too, lost my partner of thirty-eight years. Though for all kinds of reasons Jack and I never married (for one thing, such marriages weren’t considered legal, let alone binding; in many places they were illegal), still, he and I lived together most of those years: not here, but in a large city where we felt more comfortable and less anomalous. Suffice to say Jack was the love of my life. His death was both slow and sudden. From the time the brain tumor was first diagnosed, to when the disease’s first symptoms manifested, we had six altogether very good years. However once the first symptoms developed, he went downhill very fast. Within a month he was in palliative care; a week later Jack was gone.
All of which is to say that I have some idea of what you’ve been through. I’ve been there. And I can tell you in no uncertain terms, and despite how you’re doubtlessly feeling now, that as must all things, your grief WILL reach an end. Of this I assure you.
You will survive; life will go on. And it won’t be so bad.
Of that you may look to me as proof.
Warmly,
Frank
05/13/06 Re: Daffodils / Tulips
Dear Mr. Previdi,
I’m writing to you on behalf of the Association but also to express my personal delight at seeing the flowers growing next to your stoop on a recent walk. The combination of tulips and daffodils has always been a favorite of mine, and I can only assume that your neighbors must be equally enchanted by them.
I note, too, that you have got yourself a new dog, a wire-haired terrier—or was that someone else’s dog I saw you walking the other day? At any rate, it’s a cute dog and, if I may say so, you seemed to be enjoying yourself in its company. You had a spring in you step and a smile on your (clean-shaven) face. A sunny spring morning; what wasn’t there to smile about? Anyway, if it is indeed your dog, and should you ever need someone to walk it for you, I hope you’ll ask me first.
Incidentally, in a few days the community pool will open for the season. Are you a swimmer, by any chance? If not, you might consider taking it up. Not only is swimming an excellent exercise, it’s relaxing. You’ll find me at the pool doing my gentle laps religiously every morning. It keeps me calm and centered and has proven quite efficacious at fending off melancholy, gloom, and despair. Another great advantage of swimming: being a no-impact sport, it puts much less stress on old bones, cartilage, or ligaments. Indeed, in all my years working here, no one has injured themselves swimming. A few have drowned, but none have been injured. (That was a joke.)
I hope to see you at the pool one morning soon.
Yours,
Frank Hallinan, Associate Property Manager
